I was going to read while eating at least a half a bag of Funyuns. Maybe even an entire bag. I wasn’t going to beat myself up for not going tonight. And I wasn’t going to think about Sebastian at the dance, most likely being surrounded by girls.
I can’t think about that. I tried to push what Sebastian said aside, but that was as successful as walking down the stairs with my ankles tied together. A shiver curled down my spine. I turned to stare at the world map above my desk. Several years ago, I’d taken a blue marker and circled all the places I wanted to visit one day. Sebastian had grabbed a red marker and joined in. A lot of the places were the same. We were thirteen or fourteen when we did that.He’d been in love with me this whole time?
I squeezed my eyes shut and, for a few seconds, just for a couple of heartbeats, let those words he’d spoken seep through my skin, invade my muscles and tattoo my bones. My right hand curled against the center of my chest and my stomach dipped like I was on a roller coaster. In those seconds, I envisioned what it was supposed to be—what my life was supposed to be like.Sebastian would tell me he loved me. We’d kiss, this time deeper and stronger than before. I’d kiss him back, and maybe we’d get caught up in the moment. Maybe things would go further, and it would be glorious and perfect. We’d go out on dates. Hold hands at school. Travel to parties together. Everyone would smile and whisper About time to one another. We wouldn’t be able to keep our hands off one another and—Reaching up, I swept my hand under my eyes, wiping away the wetness gathering on my cheeks. I scooted to the end of my bed and placed my feet on the floor. A few seconds passed and then I opened my eyes and stood. A sharp stab of pain shot out across my rib cage, snapping me back to reality. I drew in a shuddering breath.
Guilt settled heavily in my chest.How could I even think about this kind of stuff? It felt so, I don’t know, self-absorbed. Wrong. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel, how I was supposed to move on from this point, but I knew I didn’t deserve something good like this.
Maybe a hundred tomorrows from now.
Are you sure you’re ready to do this today?Tomorrow, Abbi reminded her.
Her face fell. I miss her. We should take a ton of selfies and continuously bombard her with them.I laughed. I’m sure she’ll appreciate that.
But first, how are things with Sebastian? Abbi asked, nodding in his direction.Fine, I replied quickly. We’ll chat later about it. Okay?